God's tender mercies on Easter Sunday

Yesterday (Easter Sunday), AF was due but hadn't arrived yet (in fact hadn't shown any signs of arriving).

Because of my temps and various symptoms, I was SURE I was pregnant. Yet, the dozen (!) or so tests I had taken in the four days prior had all been either BFN, or a very very faint evap line.

I woke up early Easter morning, temped and found that my temperature was still high (hooray!), and no sign of AF, so I eagerly went to use one of the expensive digital tests I had just bought. I was so sure it would announce, "Pregnant!" How perfect would it be to be able to hand DH that beautiful test on Resurrection Sunday, the day we celebrate not mere "new life," but our resurrected Saviour?

I had even calculated the due date: January 1, 2012. How perfect! New life, new pregnancy, due on the new year!! This had to be meant to be. (Plus, this would mean I could look forward to the much-dreaded Mother's Day, for once!)

I could hardly wait for the test to tell me its answer. The two minutes seemed to take two hours.

Finally, a result. NOT PREGNANT.

Right on cue, AF began immediately after I got the test result.

Now, I've been through similar disappointment dozens of times (I'm on month 57 of charting). And yet, I was strangely at peace. One of my favorite Reformed hymns, "Whate'er my God ordains is right," began playing in my head. I thanked God that His timing is better than mine and that He must have good reason that I am, at age 40 and all these years of trying, still not a mother.

I don't know why I felt so much peace when this disappointment could have sent me into a tailspin of disaster, but I'm thankful God protected my heart somehow.

BFN

Infertile women the world over know the disappointment encompassed in those three innocent little letters. Big. Fat. Negative. And that, my friends, is what faces me this morning when I stupidly decided to waste a pregnancy test at 12dpo.

Don't get me wrong; I don't believe I'm pregnant. My pulse isn't brisk and strong compared to previous pregnancies; I did feel nauseous briefly yesterday morning, but that lasted all of three seconds. No other signs or symptoms to speak of.

Still, it's always disappointing to pee on a stick and see only one line staring back at you. Well... onward to next month, then.