An answer to the big question: Sugar and spice, or snips and snails??

With great anticipation, we went to a 3D/4D ultrasound place to see if we could find out the gender. This company lets grandparents etc. log on remotely and watch the ultrasound as it's happening! So, we had both sets of parents conferenced in and watching online so they could see/hear everything. My mother-in-law squealed and started crying when the tech turned on the sound for the heartbeat. (This is my in-laws' first grandbaby, and they've been wanting one for a LOOOOONG time!)

And, most importantly, we found out... that we're having......




a.......





BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Funny, I had been so sure at first we were having a girl... but in the last couple of weeks I started thinking maybe it was a boy. Now that we know, I'm SO EXCITED to have a boy first!! We definitely want a girl too, in whatever way that needs to happen, but it's so precious to have a son to carry on J's family name. I'm already envisioning how he's going to look at two or three... I hope just like my J. at that age, with blond hair, blue eyes, and a cute little sailor suit!

I have an OB appointment next Monday (mainly to make sure my blood pressure is normal), and after that, I won't have the "big" anatomy scan until Dec. 23. My parents will be in town for that... not sure if it'll be boring or fun for them to see each of baby's organs, but I'm glad they'll be there!

I think we already have a name for our son... J. and I have been brainstorming ever since finding out... but I keep wondering, what if the ultrasound tech was mistaking part of the umbilical cord for boy parts??! I think we'll wait until the official anatomy scan before making any big announcements regarding his name!

I just realized something as I was re-reading this post. Apparently, I fully expect our baby to be alive at our 21-week ultrasound! This will be the very first ultrasound that I haven't feared and expected the worst to have happened! So very thankful for God restoring hope in this broken heart o' mine.  


I'm not too impressed with the photos we got from the ultrasound, because our baby boy was snuggled face down for most of it. Here are a couple of them, including one 4D one that shows his precious, bony li'l body... you can see every tiny rib! (as for the first one, yes, he does in fact have a nose... we've seen it clearly... not sure why this shot makes his face look completely flat!)

16-week ultrasound - baby still doing great!

I had another ultrasound today, and praise God, it went magnificently. (Instead of waiting until 19-20 weeks, I called a different perinatologist to set up a consultation to discuss my bloodwork concerns. Their office wanted me in for another ultrasound at 16 weeks... gee, what a hardship to have to see my sweet baby again so soon!)


During the ultrasound, it was amazing to see the tech pointing out the baby's stomach and bladder and chambers of the heart... I blurted out, "I can't believe my body knew how to make all that." She nodded and said, "All I can say is, it's a miracle," to which I said, "That's right... and it's not so much my body as it is the Designer." She smiled and nodded knowingly, which made me think she's probably a Christian. (That's one of many things I LOVE about the South... people you encounter day to day are more likely than not to be Christians here.)

At one point, the tech was showing me both the arms and hands, and the baby was doing a thumbs-up... the tech even said, "Look, your baby's saying, 'Thumbs up, Mommy!'" How kind of God to have my baby doing that for me, as a tangible little sign that everything's going to be okay! 

Baby didn't seem nearly as active as at the 12-week (with all those trampoline bouncing antics), and I commented to the tech the baby must be sleeping, but she said the baby was more active than it looked on screen, since we were zooming in on various parts of the anatomy at a time rather than seeing the whole baby. She said that although I couldn't tell, she was having to chase the baby down quite a bit (heehee). 


After the ultrasound, the perinatologist sat down and went over everything... today's ultrasound as well as all past test results... and has a great proactive approach, just as I'd hoped, and gave me a few specific recommendations that the other perinatologist never mentioned. I'm so thankful to have found this perinatologist! (He's also an older, probably late-50's-ish man with a corny sense of humor, which I find endearing in a doctor!) I bombarded him with questions (about the baby's size/growth, heart rate, placenta, umbilical cord, etc. etc.) and he answered every single one... and for a lot of them, summarized by saying, "I didn't see a single thing that concerned me... everything at this point looks as good as it possibly could." A-MA-ZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The doctor brought up the fact that my Down's syndrome risk was 1:88 because of my low PAPP-A score, and I almost brushed him aside on that since I honestly don't care about that (I don't think my baby has Down's, but if he or she does, I don't want to know until after the baby is born so that I'll already be hopelessly in love). But, he reassured me that the odds for me are actually much lower (something like 4 out of 1,000, he said?) because of (well, I can't remember why now, but when he explained it, it made sense). I did make it clear that we would not choose to do amnio even if the odds were much worse (not unless it were for a specific reason that could actually help the baby), and he was completely understanding/accepting of that.

BTW, once again, my blood pressure was high at the beginning of the appointment... 140/82. The nurse decided to take it again, after I'd seen the baby... it had dropped to a reasonably normal 120/76! (Funny that seeing my baby is great for my blood pressure and stress levels!! )

They're going to send me a copy of the ultrasound report so I can obsess over every measurement and every detail, but for all the measurements she took (head circumference, belly, etc.), it showed on screen that the baby is still measuring 2-3 days ahead. Again... AMAZING!!!! (Maybe I'll finally start showing a little one of these days!)

I'm just so thankful, so awed, so amazed. On the way home, once again, I cried as I thanked God... I can never thank Him enough for this gift!!

15-week OB Appointment... Heard that beautiful heartbeat again!

After a lovely lunch with my sweet friend S. (who is lending me maternity clothes -- thank you, S.!!), I scurried to Kennestone for my 15-week OB appointment. After the usual unpleasant poking and prodding, the doctor pulled out the Doppler. I don't even remember being nervous this time, although if I wasn't, I should have been!

The doctor found it immediately... that beautiful, precious "whoosh-whoosh-whoosh" as though horses were galloping inside my womb. The doctor momentarily picked up my own heartbeat (so slow by contrast!) then found the baby's again and lingered on it long enough to bring a huge smile to my face.

I can't believe this: At 15 weeks, my baby is STILL ALIVE!!!!!!! It just seems too amazing to be true!!

After my appointment, I made my weekly trips to Whole Foods Market and the farm where I buy our grass-fed milk and eggs. Susan, the farmer's wife, knows a little about our history and she asked me how the pregnancy was going. I mentioned that I had started feeling tiny, subtle, fluttery feelings and couldn't wait to really feel the baby. She said that that very likely is the baby! I had thought it might be... it doesn't happen every day, and usually starts about ten minutes after I drink some milk or juice. Can you imagine?? I could actually be feeling my BABY moving already??!

Christmas Shopping at the Mall... Strangely Enjoyable

Until today, I hadn't set foot inside a mall in probably eight or nine YEARS. That's how much I can't stand malls! The roving bands of cell-phone-addicted teenagers, the garish lights and sounds, the barrage of materialism... it's just too much.

Today, though, after walking around with unbuttoned pants one too many times, I decided to make a trip to a maternity store. The only one near us is in Town Center Mall. I gritted my teeth as I pulled into a parking spot and resolved to make it as quick and painless as possible.

Although it's still early November, the Mall was decked out in Christmas decor... something I used to find annoying. Why not have the decency to hold off until after Thanksgiving, fer cryin' out loud?!

But this time, the wreaths, the lights, the old-fashioned Christmas music playing, seemed... magical!

I suspect one reason I unexpectedly delighted in the early Christmas atmosphere was that by Christmastime, I will be halfway through my pregnancy... truly an amazing thought. Pushing up Christmas festivities makes the 20-week mark seem not so far away.

So this year, as I rejoice in the impending celebration of Christ's birth, I have unspeakable joy in my heart for another new life that God has blessed us with. This Christmas will be especially magical indeed!

In complete stunned awe! Great 12-week ultrasound

I had my 12-week ultrasound at 3:30 this afternoon.

I spent all last night and all today trying to pray that everything would be okay, and that if it was not, that God would give me strength to deal with it. Honestly, as with the first two ultrasounds, I was 99.999% sure there would be a problem, and I was having massive anxiety/panic about it. One minute, I was positive the baby was dead (I had tried for 30 minutes looking for the heartbeat on a home Doppler yesterday), the next minute, I was positive the baby had Trisomy 18... and on and on and on.

I was nervous as it's possible to be going into the ultrasound, since I've never made it this far in a pregnancy and didn't know why this time should be any different... so, I was completely STUNNED and AMAZED when the screen right away showed my little baby taking the cutest gigantic leap, pushing off the uterine "floor"! We watched her play with her little hands for a moment, then settle into sucking her thumb.  I'm glad I was lying down for this or I would have collapsed into a puddle on the floor!! 

The tech measured the heartbeat (it was in the 160's) and we got to hear it (the first time DH has heard it rather than just seeing it) and took measurements. Our 12w1d baby is measuring 12w4d (and of course that's not even counting her legs -- and it looked like she has her Daddy's long legs!).  I asked the tech if she had a gender guess at this point, and she said, "Well, I don't see anything sticking out, so my guess at this point would be a girl... but don't hold me to that!" DH and I beamed at each other... our hunch for a while has been that it's a girl, and several family members are sure of it too, so we're going with "girl" until proven otherwise! (GUPO?!)

The NT measurements were perfect... when the doctor came in to explain the measurements and what they indicate, he said, "I realize we have to wait for the bloodwork to come back, but I can tell you right now that based on the NT measurement and the fact that we see the nose bone, everything looks as good as it possibly could... I don't see anything that indicates any problems." Of course, even if our baby had a trisomy, we would love her as much as the Lord allowed us to have her... but it was SO GOOD to hear that (and I had been watching the NT measurements and had already breathed a huge sigh of relief)! I tearfully thanked the doctor for completely making my day, and he said, "I just give you the facts, that's all!"

After the doctor left the room, I came very close to sobbing right then and there... I really thought, and still think, that I must be dreaming. Having a healthy, living, active baby at 12 weeks is something that happens for other women, not me. "Thankful" is such a puny word to describe the swell of overwhelming joy and gratitude I feel that God has let us have this precious child for this long. Thank you, precious Lord, for giving us this miracle!! Please make me worthy to be this child's mother!! 

Nervous about 12-week ultrasound today

I've been a bundle of frayed nerves all morning and most of yesterday.


For one thing, I tried for 30 minutes yesterday afternoon to find the baby's heartbeat with my home Doppler... to no avail. I didn't pick up even a hint of the baby's heartbeat... only mine.


I keep having feelings of being SURE something is wrong... either that the baby has a fatal chromosome problem (as all our others have had), or that the baby's heart has already stopped. I've been trying to pray through these feelings... not very successfully.


Then I started thinking of Peter walking on water and how he began sinking when he took his eyes off of Christ. When I take my eyes off Christ and focus on the things of man (statistics, diagnostics, etc.), that's when I start sinking. So I spent most of today praying that I would keep my gaze on Christ no matter what happened this afternoon.


My prayer for today is:


Lord God, please protect this precious baby, and knit him or her in the womb according to the masterful design you created. Please let there be no physiological or other problems with this baby, but let it grow healthy and strong to full term. Please grant me, this child's mother, a peace that surpasses anything I've known so far. Please erase my anxieties about today's ultrasound. Please remind me that YOU are the Author of Life, and our trust is to be placed in You alone, not in man. I love You even more than I love our baby, even more than I love my husband! Thank You for planting this precious miracle inside me, and please allow the experience of pregnancy to draw me even closer to You, even in fearful times such as this. Please remove from our minds any excessive dwelling on what we may find today and allow each of us to focus on YOU, to praise and love and serve YOU. In Christ's name, Amen.

So humbled and grateful: Our 9-week ultrasound went wonderfully

I am in complete awe of God's mercy. When I woke up this morning, in my wildest imagination, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have a good 9-week u/s.

By 11:00, I was watching my own precious baby on the ultrasound monitor, with the most beautiful, strong heartbeat. 

The baby was measuring 8w4d +/- 3 days, which concerned me at first, but the doctor said it's absolutely within the range of where it should be (by LMP, I'm 8w6d today). The heartbeat was 167, so I guess (if the heartbeat increases by 3 bpm per day) by the 9-week point tomorrow it will be around 170... I thought that seemed low for 9 weeks, but again, the doctor said it was fantastic.

I can't believe this. After nine years of trying to conceive, six miscarriages, ten billion tears, an iffy start with low initial betas, minimal symptoms including no morning sickness... I have a living, growing baby inside me. 

Words can't express how thankful I am. This morning, determined to thank God for His blessings even if things went badly, I had made the drive to the clinic singing praise songs at the top of my lungs to my favorite Third Day CD's. On the way home, I was shaking and crying and every time I tried to sing a praise song, I got completely choked up.  I'm thankful God knows my heart and doesn't rely on my voice to know how grateful I am!!

I've been floating on a cloud all day and couldn't even find words to write this post, but I just had to shout from the rooftops what a great God we serve!! 

7-week ultrasound. Houston, we have a heartbeat!!!

I'm on cloud 9!!! I kept telling God I would be thankful and praise Him today, not matter what this morning's outcome... wow, I had NO idea it would be so easy to do that after seeing that precious baby on ultrasound!!

I thought I was going to have a break-down waiting for the ultrasound, though! We arrived 20 minutes early... but then didn't get called back until after 11:45!! So after that agonizing wait, I was glad to get into the ultrasound room and get ready. Well, it seemed like another eternity before the doctor came in... I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest and I thought I was going to go insane waiting.

Thankfully, of course the doctor is very familiar with my history so she didn't waste any time. Almost immediately once she got an image on the monitor, she said, "Well Julia, you can relax... there's your baby... and there's a good strong heartbeat!"

At this point, I felt like I was in a dream... but I knew that just seeing a heartbeat doesn't mean the baby is going to make it... I wanted to know the CRL and heart rate. She got to that right away. I was hoping for a 10mm baby, but it was only 9.3 mm. I was worried about that, since my first sign of a problem had been babies measuring 3-6 days too small, but she assured me (several times) that that was perfectly good for where I am and it's +/- 2 days leeway at this point anyway.
I was hoping for a heart rate of at least 126, and it was 145! Poor baby... Mommy's nerves/pounding heart were rubbing off on her!! (teehee -- J and I both think it's a girl!)



I had thought before today that, since I had three good mature follicles, that maybe more than one had fertilized but only one made it. (With my hCG numbers, I knew the most we could hope for would be a healthy singleton.) Sure enough, there was a second sac that had shrunk back down, and no surviving baby in that one. She said it was probably the remnants of a vanishing twin. I guess I won't know for sure this side of heaven, but I may have a seventh little one to greet me there someday.

I bombarded the doctor with questions and reminded her that I'd had false hope before with early ultrasounds, and she told me point-blank, "Julia, if there were anything here that concerned me, I would tell you. But everything is right where it should be!" I almost melted into happy tears right then and there!  (She also mentioned something about the yolk sac being a good size; something about how if it's enlarged, it can indicate chromosome problems... now I have something new to obsessively Google!)

I know that I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm so very thankful for what we saw today. I am laughing my head off that I was 100% sure I had a blighted ovum... I guess there can be a healthy, living 7-week baby in there with no morning sickness!! 

I'm going back in two weeks for one more u/s at the RE clinic. In the meantime, I have more joy than I've had in years!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!

Beta #1 is in: pregnant, but only "sort of"

It's a day of good news, bad news.


I got my first beta today, and it's only 48 (I'm 14dpo today), so I expect to find out Friday after my second beta that we're losing yet another baby.

When the nurse called with this morning's result, she built it up and said, "What I'm going to tell you is going to make you have a FABULOUS day!!" When she answered my all-important question of what the number was, I was crest-fallen. With the daughter we lost in 2008 to Turner Syndrome, my 14dpo was over 400. How does this little one possibly stand a chance?

After I got the "good news," I sat there numb for a few minutes, then started sobbing uncontrollably. I just pray that if this little one isn't meant to be a take-home baby, that it will happen mercifully quickly and not drag on for months. I'd rather be dead than go through that devastation again.

I haven't shared with J. my complete confidence that this baby is doomed to die, but I did let him know we can't be excited until we see whether my hCG is going up or down. He's still excited and prayed for our baby when he got home from work. It breaks my heart to hear him proud and excited about finally becoming a Dad... when I know he may never get to be one. 

God's tender mercies on Easter Sunday

Yesterday (Easter Sunday), AF was due but hadn't arrived yet (in fact hadn't shown any signs of arriving).

Because of my temps and various symptoms, I was SURE I was pregnant. Yet, the dozen (!) or so tests I had taken in the four days prior had all been either BFN, or a very very faint evap line.

I woke up early Easter morning, temped and found that my temperature was still high (hooray!), and no sign of AF, so I eagerly went to use one of the expensive digital tests I had just bought. I was so sure it would announce, "Pregnant!" How perfect would it be to be able to hand DH that beautiful test on Resurrection Sunday, the day we celebrate not mere "new life," but our resurrected Saviour?

I had even calculated the due date: January 1, 2012. How perfect! New life, new pregnancy, due on the new year!! This had to be meant to be. (Plus, this would mean I could look forward to the much-dreaded Mother's Day, for once!)

I could hardly wait for the test to tell me its answer. The two minutes seemed to take two hours.

Finally, a result. NOT PREGNANT.

Right on cue, AF began immediately after I got the test result.

Now, I've been through similar disappointment dozens of times (I'm on month 57 of charting). And yet, I was strangely at peace. One of my favorite Reformed hymns, "Whate'er my God ordains is right," began playing in my head. I thanked God that His timing is better than mine and that He must have good reason that I am, at age 40 and all these years of trying, still not a mother.

I don't know why I felt so much peace when this disappointment could have sent me into a tailspin of disaster, but I'm thankful God protected my heart somehow.

BFN

Infertile women the world over know the disappointment encompassed in those three innocent little letters. Big. Fat. Negative. And that, my friends, is what faces me this morning when I stupidly decided to waste a pregnancy test at 12dpo.

Don't get me wrong; I don't believe I'm pregnant. My pulse isn't brisk and strong compared to previous pregnancies; I did feel nauseous briefly yesterday morning, but that lasted all of three seconds. No other signs or symptoms to speak of.

Still, it's always disappointing to pee on a stick and see only one line staring back at you. Well... onward to next month, then.