7-week ultrasound. Houston, we have a heartbeat!!!

I'm on cloud 9!!! I kept telling God I would be thankful and praise Him today, not matter what this morning's outcome... wow, I had NO idea it would be so easy to do that after seeing that precious baby on ultrasound!!

I thought I was going to have a break-down waiting for the ultrasound, though! We arrived 20 minutes early... but then didn't get called back until after 11:45!! So after that agonizing wait, I was glad to get into the ultrasound room and get ready. Well, it seemed like another eternity before the doctor came in... I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest and I thought I was going to go insane waiting.

Thankfully, of course the doctor is very familiar with my history so she didn't waste any time. Almost immediately once she got an image on the monitor, she said, "Well Julia, you can relax... there's your baby... and there's a good strong heartbeat!"

At this point, I felt like I was in a dream... but I knew that just seeing a heartbeat doesn't mean the baby is going to make it... I wanted to know the CRL and heart rate. She got to that right away. I was hoping for a 10mm baby, but it was only 9.3 mm. I was worried about that, since my first sign of a problem had been babies measuring 3-6 days too small, but she assured me (several times) that that was perfectly good for where I am and it's +/- 2 days leeway at this point anyway.
I was hoping for a heart rate of at least 126, and it was 145! Poor baby... Mommy's nerves/pounding heart were rubbing off on her!! (teehee -- J and I both think it's a girl!)



I had thought before today that, since I had three good mature follicles, that maybe more than one had fertilized but only one made it. (With my hCG numbers, I knew the most we could hope for would be a healthy singleton.) Sure enough, there was a second sac that had shrunk back down, and no surviving baby in that one. She said it was probably the remnants of a vanishing twin. I guess I won't know for sure this side of heaven, but I may have a seventh little one to greet me there someday.

I bombarded the doctor with questions and reminded her that I'd had false hope before with early ultrasounds, and she told me point-blank, "Julia, if there were anything here that concerned me, I would tell you. But everything is right where it should be!" I almost melted into happy tears right then and there!  (She also mentioned something about the yolk sac being a good size; something about how if it's enlarged, it can indicate chromosome problems... now I have something new to obsessively Google!)

I know that I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm so very thankful for what we saw today. I am laughing my head off that I was 100% sure I had a blighted ovum... I guess there can be a healthy, living 7-week baby in there with no morning sickness!! 

I'm going back in two weeks for one more u/s at the RE clinic. In the meantime, I have more joy than I've had in years!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!

Beta #1 is in: pregnant, but only "sort of"

It's a day of good news, bad news.


I got my first beta today, and it's only 48 (I'm 14dpo today), so I expect to find out Friday after my second beta that we're losing yet another baby.

When the nurse called with this morning's result, she built it up and said, "What I'm going to tell you is going to make you have a FABULOUS day!!" When she answered my all-important question of what the number was, I was crest-fallen. With the daughter we lost in 2008 to Turner Syndrome, my 14dpo was over 400. How does this little one possibly stand a chance?

After I got the "good news," I sat there numb for a few minutes, then started sobbing uncontrollably. I just pray that if this little one isn't meant to be a take-home baby, that it will happen mercifully quickly and not drag on for months. I'd rather be dead than go through that devastation again.

I haven't shared with J. my complete confidence that this baby is doomed to die, but I did let him know we can't be excited until we see whether my hCG is going up or down. He's still excited and prayed for our baby when he got home from work. It breaks my heart to hear him proud and excited about finally becoming a Dad... when I know he may never get to be one. 

God's tender mercies on Easter Sunday

Yesterday (Easter Sunday), AF was due but hadn't arrived yet (in fact hadn't shown any signs of arriving).

Because of my temps and various symptoms, I was SURE I was pregnant. Yet, the dozen (!) or so tests I had taken in the four days prior had all been either BFN, or a very very faint evap line.

I woke up early Easter morning, temped and found that my temperature was still high (hooray!), and no sign of AF, so I eagerly went to use one of the expensive digital tests I had just bought. I was so sure it would announce, "Pregnant!" How perfect would it be to be able to hand DH that beautiful test on Resurrection Sunday, the day we celebrate not mere "new life," but our resurrected Saviour?

I had even calculated the due date: January 1, 2012. How perfect! New life, new pregnancy, due on the new year!! This had to be meant to be. (Plus, this would mean I could look forward to the much-dreaded Mother's Day, for once!)

I could hardly wait for the test to tell me its answer. The two minutes seemed to take two hours.

Finally, a result. NOT PREGNANT.

Right on cue, AF began immediately after I got the test result.

Now, I've been through similar disappointment dozens of times (I'm on month 57 of charting). And yet, I was strangely at peace. One of my favorite Reformed hymns, "Whate'er my God ordains is right," began playing in my head. I thanked God that His timing is better than mine and that He must have good reason that I am, at age 40 and all these years of trying, still not a mother.

I don't know why I felt so much peace when this disappointment could have sent me into a tailspin of disaster, but I'm thankful God protected my heart somehow.

BFN

Infertile women the world over know the disappointment encompassed in those three innocent little letters. Big. Fat. Negative. And that, my friends, is what faces me this morning when I stupidly decided to waste a pregnancy test at 12dpo.

Don't get me wrong; I don't believe I'm pregnant. My pulse isn't brisk and strong compared to previous pregnancies; I did feel nauseous briefly yesterday morning, but that lasted all of three seconds. No other signs or symptoms to speak of.

Still, it's always disappointing to pee on a stick and see only one line staring back at you. Well... onward to next month, then.

Depression again?

I had a pretty bad depression for several years during my 20's... I went off anti-depressants when I found out I was pregnant last summer, and ended up not going back on them after the miscarriage because I felt I didn't need them... but lately I've had some serious bad moods and even some crying fits recently. John said he wonders if maybe I should go back on an anti-depressant (a "minor" one like Wellbutrin).

Yesterday I decided to start taking Wellbutrin again. Well... this morning I woke up early and, for the first time in ages, I've been up and about and actually PRODUCTIVE. I'm also better able to focus my attention. So, maybe that old demon had found me again. In any case, I hope Wellbutrin will chase and keep it away.

Baby envy

It's no secret that I want a baby. Babies, even. On most days I'm fine with the fact that it hasn't happened for us yet.

Then other days, it hits me like a kick in the stomach.

Today's one of those days.

I've had a couple of crying spells and may go have another now. Crying does help. But I'd rather hear the crying of my own sweet little baby than my own.

Photography and ADD: Match Made in Heaven?

It would not surprise me to learn that many photographers have ADD. Photography, if you think about it, is a perfect career for us. When we're interested in something, we can go into hyperfocus mode, losing track of time because we're so absorbed. And we can do our work when we want to, instead of on someone else's schedule.

We ADD folks are pretty bad with most day jobs -- even in my successful marketing career, I was bored and procrastinated so much of the time, and did my work for the day in about an hour or two. It's pretty much impossible for me to concentrate on things for 8-10 consecutive hours a day on someone else's timetable.

Reading the book "ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life" is one of the things that inspired me to start my business doing something I adored -- for someone with ADD, that's a very smart move. It's also why most of us should team up with someone who can keep us organized and on track when we need it. That could be a professional organizer, a spouse, or even a part-time employee (when you've got someone asking you what to do, it kind of forces you to be more organized, plus you can delegate the boring stuff you can't focus on yourself).