Beta #1 is in: pregnant, but only "sort of"

It's a day of good news, bad news.


I got my first beta today, and it's only 48 (I'm 14dpo today), so I expect to find out Friday after my second beta that we're losing yet another baby.

When the nurse called with this morning's result, she built it up and said, "What I'm going to tell you is going to make you have a FABULOUS day!!" When she answered my all-important question of what the number was, I was crest-fallen. With the daughter we lost in 2008 to Turner Syndrome, my 14dpo was over 400. How does this little one possibly stand a chance?

After I got the "good news," I sat there numb for a few minutes, then started sobbing uncontrollably. I just pray that if this little one isn't meant to be a take-home baby, that it will happen mercifully quickly and not drag on for months. I'd rather be dead than go through that devastation again.

I haven't shared with J. my complete confidence that this baby is doomed to die, but I did let him know we can't be excited until we see whether my hCG is going up or down. He's still excited and prayed for our baby when he got home from work. It breaks my heart to hear him proud and excited about finally becoming a Dad... when I know he may never get to be one. 

God's tender mercies on Easter Sunday

Yesterday (Easter Sunday), AF was due but hadn't arrived yet (in fact hadn't shown any signs of arriving).

Because of my temps and various symptoms, I was SURE I was pregnant. Yet, the dozen (!) or so tests I had taken in the four days prior had all been either BFN, or a very very faint evap line.

I woke up early Easter morning, temped and found that my temperature was still high (hooray!), and no sign of AF, so I eagerly went to use one of the expensive digital tests I had just bought. I was so sure it would announce, "Pregnant!" How perfect would it be to be able to hand DH that beautiful test on Resurrection Sunday, the day we celebrate not mere "new life," but our resurrected Saviour?

I had even calculated the due date: January 1, 2012. How perfect! New life, new pregnancy, due on the new year!! This had to be meant to be. (Plus, this would mean I could look forward to the much-dreaded Mother's Day, for once!)

I could hardly wait for the test to tell me its answer. The two minutes seemed to take two hours.

Finally, a result. NOT PREGNANT.

Right on cue, AF began immediately after I got the test result.

Now, I've been through similar disappointment dozens of times (I'm on month 57 of charting). And yet, I was strangely at peace. One of my favorite Reformed hymns, "Whate'er my God ordains is right," began playing in my head. I thanked God that His timing is better than mine and that He must have good reason that I am, at age 40 and all these years of trying, still not a mother.

I don't know why I felt so much peace when this disappointment could have sent me into a tailspin of disaster, but I'm thankful God protected my heart somehow.

BFN

Infertile women the world over know the disappointment encompassed in those three innocent little letters. Big. Fat. Negative. And that, my friends, is what faces me this morning when I stupidly decided to waste a pregnancy test at 12dpo.

Don't get me wrong; I don't believe I'm pregnant. My pulse isn't brisk and strong compared to previous pregnancies; I did feel nauseous briefly yesterday morning, but that lasted all of three seconds. No other signs or symptoms to speak of.

Still, it's always disappointing to pee on a stick and see only one line staring back at you. Well... onward to next month, then.

Depression again?

I had a pretty bad depression for several years during my 20's... I went off anti-depressants when I found out I was pregnant last summer, and ended up not going back on them after the miscarriage because I felt I didn't need them... but lately I've had some serious bad moods and even some crying fits recently. John said he wonders if maybe I should go back on an anti-depressant (a "minor" one like Wellbutrin).

Yesterday I decided to start taking Wellbutrin again. Well... this morning I woke up early and, for the first time in ages, I've been up and about and actually PRODUCTIVE. I'm also better able to focus my attention. So, maybe that old demon had found me again. In any case, I hope Wellbutrin will chase and keep it away.

Baby envy

It's no secret that I want a baby. Babies, even. On most days I'm fine with the fact that it hasn't happened for us yet.

Then other days, it hits me like a kick in the stomach.

Today's one of those days.

I've had a couple of crying spells and may go have another now. Crying does help. But I'd rather hear the crying of my own sweet little baby than my own.

Photography and ADD: Match Made in Heaven?

It would not surprise me to learn that many photographers have ADD. Photography, if you think about it, is a perfect career for us. When we're interested in something, we can go into hyperfocus mode, losing track of time because we're so absorbed. And we can do our work when we want to, instead of on someone else's schedule.

We ADD folks are pretty bad with most day jobs -- even in my successful marketing career, I was bored and procrastinated so much of the time, and did my work for the day in about an hour or two. It's pretty much impossible for me to concentrate on things for 8-10 consecutive hours a day on someone else's timetable.

Reading the book "ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life" is one of the things that inspired me to start my business doing something I adored -- for someone with ADD, that's a very smart move. It's also why most of us should team up with someone who can keep us organized and on track when we need it. That could be a professional organizer, a spouse, or even a part-time employee (when you've got someone asking you what to do, it kind of forces you to be more organized, plus you can delegate the boring stuff you can't focus on yourself).

Swimming in dust

The last few days we've been cleaning furiously, venturing where all but the dust bunnies fear to tread, in preparation to get our house on the market. Hopefully I shall emerge unscathed sometime in the next few days, but in the meantime, I record an achoo for posterity.